Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja and Colin, four vampires sharing a home in Staten Island, receive a letter from Baron Afanas, a ferocious member of vampire royalty, saying that he will visit them soon. In preparation, Nandor asks his familiar, Guillermo, to bring over virgins for a feast.
Nadja becomes distracted by a human man named Jeff, who she is convinced is the reincarnation of her former dead lover Gregor. She approaches him, but forces herself to leave upon remembering that she is married to Laszlo.
The Baron arrives at Staten Island in a stone coffin, accompanied by his familiar. The vampires take the coffin to their attic and Guillermo invites over two LARPers, Jenna and Jonathan. Guillermo pretends that everyone in the house is a roleplayer and keeps the two downstairs to bring them to the ceremony at the right time.
As the sarcophagus opens, the Baron emerges and immediately kills Laszlo and Nadja’s familiar, June. The Baron is furious when he realises that the vampires have not ruled the island and demands that they take over when he reawakens before going back to sleep in the coffin. The vampires plot to eat Jenna and Jonathan, only to find that Colin has drained them of their energy and they have no nutritional value. That night, Nandor and Guillermo muse over the tenth anniversary of Guillermo’s servitude. He prepares to be transformed into a vampire, however Nandor instead rewards him with a portrait of them both made from glitter. As Nandor returns to his coffin, Guillermo considers exposing the sunlight, but changes his mind.
During the end credits, one of the roof tiles in the attic falls off, revealing a beam of sunlight over the Baron’s coffin.
- Kayvan Novak as Nandor
- Matt Berry as Laszlo
- Natasia Demetriou as Nadja
- Harvey Guillén as Guillermo
- Mark Proksch as Colin Robinson
- Hayden Szeto as Jonathan
- Gloria Laino as Baron's Familiar
- Mary Gillis as June
- Jamison Webb as Park Man
- Kate Comer as Park Woman
- Warren Barrow as Cashier
- Casey Feigh as Game Master
- Jon Gabrus as Wharfinger
- Az Vey Dem Tatn performed by Black Ox Orkestar
- You're Dead performed by Norma Tanega (opening credits)
- Hüseyni Saz Eseri performed by Göksel Baktagir
- Pozdrowienie Od Gor performed by Mieczyslaw Fogg
- Muzak For The Undead performed by Brian Horn
- Nadja's Theme
- It Must Have Been Love by Per Gessle, performed by Time Pools
- Sarabande by George Frideric Handel, performed by The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra
- Trial by Ordeal performed by Robert Foster
- Adieu performed by Stefan Witas
- Tonight in the Moonlight performed by The Morrie Morrison Orchestra (end credits)